I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
