There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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