I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
