I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
