Will you blow on my dice?
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
