I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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