if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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