woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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