I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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