the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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