You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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