I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
