If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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