Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Panties = found
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
