I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
