I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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