I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
