you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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