You can't special order awesome
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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