If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
This toilet bowl is my home.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
