Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize