how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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