Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
