the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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