sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
