she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
