i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
