I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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