Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
He better not be in your backpack
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
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