i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
