From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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