if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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