i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
