i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Randomize
