I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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