For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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