I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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