Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
i was born a porn star she said
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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