I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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