I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
