i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
