one might say we're banned from that church
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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