Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
