no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
