I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
