I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
