I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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