I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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