Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
This is my gift to your gina
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
