and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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