Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
