9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
