He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
