We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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